Working With Others
Because we live in an ever-changing world, we must always be ready to embrace change. While so much around us is evolving, there are few constants.
One of those constants is the need for interaction with other human beings.
Our entire existence revolves around these interactions. Even before we are born, we’re connected to others. We hear familiar voices and develop an ability to recognize them. We kick, move and remind them of our presence. At first, it’s our parents that make up our tiny, capsulated universe, but as our world grows, the circle expands to family members, then random faces as they peer into our strollers and coo. As infants, we rely on someone else to feed and comfort us, but we instinctually know what to do – from just looking cute to screaming our lungs out, we’re naturally equipped with some pretty amazing capabilities to them to nurture us. We quickly develop an understanding not only our own life, but the role we have in theirs. We set forth in our neighborhoods and go to school. We travel and explore. We live. We play. We work.
We quickly develop an understanding not only our own life, but the role we have in theirs.
And through it all, relationships form.
We become the source of each other’s greatest joy and most difficult challenges.
From short simple smiles at a coffee shop to the creation of deep, life-long bonds, we become the source of each other’s greatest joy and most difficult challenges. We are sometimes the teacher, other times the pupil as every day we exchange meaningful lessons between ourselves.
Learning how to navigate these relationships is one of the most important things we will need to master. After spending almost 40 years in the health and wellbeing industry, working with thousands of team members, millions of members and many other people from all other businesses, I’m still fascinated and trying to understand our interactions. As I constantly try to pay attention to what works and what doesn’t, here are a few truths I’ve discovered.
It all starts with
You
I really cannot emphasize enough how important it is to know yourself. Developing the on-going practice of self-reflection to help you understand your mind and body, and how you think, feel and react simply starts with these questions:
“Why am I here? What are my intentions ? What needs improving? Did I communicate well? Are my actions aligned with my values? Do my efforts bring joy? Was I productive? Did I inspire?”
In answering these questions, you’ll better understand how you’re wired and how you will respond to others in different emotional states and circumstances. It’s crucial information as you strive to know yourself and get the most out of each day, as well as all the interactions you have with the people around you.
Once you feel good about the level of your self-awareness and understand how you think and react, you have covered half the equation. You know what to expect from yourself, which allows your listening and responses to others to be more deliberate and thoughtful.
Now you are ready to embark on trying to understand
others
which is the other half of the equation.
This is where it gets fun, because every person you encounter is spectacularly different. Each unique individual will speak, think, and process in their own distinct way. Everyone you engage with has their own story, experiences, and point of view.
Our differences are a gift. The fact that we’re all so wondrously wired is what makes things so interesting. If we all felt the same way, or did the same things, we’d be lost in tunnel vision, reduced to a singular point of view.
Our differences are a gift.
Life Time wouldn’t be what it is without our amazing, diverse team.
Losing sight of our diversity, and expecting everyone to be like us is natural, but it is actually one of the greatest mistakes we can make. The assumption that everyone thinks, feels or acts like us can lead to resentment, disappointment, frustration, unmet expectations and inaccurate conclusions.
As you begin to be mindful of your role in this world, remember how critical it is we first know ourselves, then take the time. Stay curious about people as you acknowledge and embrace what is unique. Make a conscious effort to get to know them and welcome the various perspectives they offer.
This is how we all begin to recognize any differences we may have as assets, rather than a liability. We can capitalize on each other’s strengths, and compensate for each other’s weaknesses as together, we see, and celebrate the good that is in all of us.
Several years ago, the lead director at Life Time was a guy named Joe Vassalluzzo.
A little older than myself, a snappy dresser, silver hair with vast experience at major companies. He brought immeasurable wisdom to our board.
One of the things you’ll notice about Joe is he’s a cautious, deliberate thinker. He loves to ask questions, consider options, and ponder all the possibilities.
If he feels he needs more time to process, he has no problem taking it. In fact, if you try to rush him to a decision, he will purposely slow everything down so he can consider it more carefully. This is all wonderful, except it is the exact opposite of how I move through life, most of the time.
On the big decisions, the quantum leaps that have greater consequence, I’ll take all the time in the world. Otherwise, I naturally lean heavily toward rapid corrections of mistakes, making changes on the fly, keeping things moving in the general direction of my goal and don’t mind some uncertainty about how exactly I will get there.
I naturally lean heavily toward rapid corrections of mistakes, making changes on the fly.
I used to be frustrated by what I considered a snail-like pace in almost every occasion, but I took the time to understand Joe, and he did the same.
We valued each other’s approach precisely because it was the opposite,
making decisions based on multiple perspectives, and appreciating the time we had together.
It is truly “how we’re wired.”
I learned to fly years ago, but still go to school to learn the operating systems of new jet crafts.
I’ll spend four to five weeks, not learning to fly, but the specifics of one particular plane. When you go from a Falcon to a Gulf Stream, there’s a monumental change in wiring. The details of mechanical and hydraulic systems are extremely intricate, so it’s imperative you know what that exact plane needs at any exact moment, particularly if there’s an emergency. We too have different operating systems, and our reactions will vary from states of calm to highly emotional. Knowing how others will function in these situations is just as, if not even more essential than when they’re at their best.
Today,
the population of the world is in the billions, and it’s nearly impossible to go through this life without some sort of interaction. The interpersonal skills you develop will never reach perfection; it’s a practice that requires daily assessment and adjustment. It takes time, commitment and a true desire to dig in, yet there is little that is as rewarding as creating healthy relationships.
Withhold Judgement
This sentiment is beautifully summed-up by the Persian poet, astronomer, mathematician and philosopher Omar Khayyam, who lived during the 11th century in what is now Iran. His verses are published in English as the, “The Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam.”
Khayyam presents his own advice about being non-judgmental; it’s far more beautiful in the original Persian, but the message is still clear:
This is especially difficult in an online culture that encourages us to constantly judge everything. We “heart” and “like,” swipe left and right. It encourages snap judgments based on a soundbite of information. It’s helped me if I delay opinions until some time has passed. It gives me the opportunity to understand the details of who they are, how they tick, and why. Snap judgments will always be incomplete – and are often inaccurate.
Embrace criticism
Criticism is a cousin of judgement. The word itself can cause a reflex; wanting to disagree or debate the moment we hear anything that may be negative. We’ve learned to value praise. But criticism is actually interesting information, and crucial to our growth and change as individuals. It comes down to how it’s delivered and received.
When you deliver thoughtful criticism, you focus on the action not the person.
It’s accompanied by a simple explanation of how that particular action could possibly be executed better, perhaps providing ideas or corrections. By focusing on the action, no one feels attacked personally, and the recipient can move forward and deal with it productively. This ability to reflect on what we’re told, and process it properly, is an essential part of self-improvement and a key to any relationship. Most criticism is based, at least in part, on some truth, and while it may appear negative, there’s often gold hidden in it. If someone takes the time to offer you some notes on your work most likely there are valuable suggestions you can use to make it better.
However, if the tone and style of the criticism is confrontational, you will probably respond in a manner similar to the tone, rather than the suggestions. To make criticism work for us and not against us, we must be able to separate what was said from how it was said. Then we will be able to determine if the criticism has any basis and how you can use it for your benefit.
Making room for other’s viewpoints, even criticisms, does not mean betraying your own values and beliefs.
You don’t have to agree or disagree right away and hopefully separate your pride from an objective consideration of what is being said. Responding without defensiveness is one of the most difficult, but most important skills to master.
My hope is, we’ll all be able to better understand others, developing a new appreciation of their unique personalities, skills and gifts.
It’s part of a broader perspective, in the remarkable fact that we’re here, together, on a planet going millions of miles an hour through space, in this precise moment of time. Like the multitudes of stars in the sky, we intersect as lights of energy. We each have the opportunity to illuminate each other’s path.
